How I Figured Out My Soul Saved My Life
Here’s a short take on my personal journey of realizing my Soul has been leading the way the whole time, especially in the times where I felt the most disconnected.
Dear Soul,
Can we dance?
I know you’ve always been there, or rather here.
What I don’t know is why you seem so elusive.
What get’s between you and I?
How is anything even fitting in that tiny space?
This minuscule space in between is the place where everything gets lost
and somehow found.
The in between is where I look for you. Floating there, space and time arrested. These fleeting moments give me something to want to cherish, to hold close to my heart. Even though to embrace you is to hold me close, it seems easier to say I’m holding you rather than me.
I am the you which you seek, you are the me which I long for.
The we. The me.
Eternally entwined enthralled within the dance of the cosmos.
Dipping our toes in the river of the divine completely unaware of the constant ebb & flow expanding and contracting like waves on the ocean.
And then
silence
deep pause
reverence diverted.
Life flows in, I look around and you’re gone, even though I KNOW you are right here with me, in me. The mundane haze overtakes my outward vision and I forget. I forget your beauty, your sensational experiences, your misunderstood misunderstandings, your deep connection to the most minute and to the vast all at the same time. MY connection to eternity.
I forget it all and separate you from me so that we can try to dance,
just one more time.
Dear Soul, is it possible for us to keep dancing while living our life here on earth?
This is the real question, the one that holds unexpected importance. Have you thought about what this means? How it impacts your life? Many people are longing to have items and properties without acquiring the basic necessities of gratitude and liking themselves.
They WANT self confidence but aren’t willing to do the work to OBTAIN it. It’s much easier to build an elite ego, separating oneself from the interconnectivity inherent in living life.
This is where I was for quite some time because I was not aware of how this was informing my day to day inability to see where I was emotionally because physically I was doing what it was I thought should be done. Honestly I am not even sure who put that order in my mind and I was the one living by the rules of this disguised paradigm. The thing is- it wasn’t all “bad” in the least. I completed a BA, did ECE schooling, created my own photography business, completed two Yoga Teacher trainings, hung art in multiple quite beautiful hip venues and galleries as well as was a part of a vibrant artists’ coop while teaching Yoga in multiple studios and offices.
To anyone outside myself things looked “fine” because any struggle I had was sprinkled with “artist”. Which means the starving artist thing was thrown atop me. The different spiritual / emotional battles were diminished by the title “artist” and “she’s moody” or whatever they were programmed to believe about my personal pursuits. I mean, for example, I was told by a child that my life is just a hobby. WHO prey tell told a child this kind of thing? The programmers of course. My own parents never went this far… but I digress. All of this is smashed in time when you read it, but it spans over a hefty amount of years which then led to another chunk of time to sort it all out.
Not one time had I even considered if I liked what was happening, I sorted “good” from “bad”, followed my intuition, HAD to make art, HAD to get on my Yoga mat, HAD to figure social media out- a whole lot of HAD TO’s happened before I asked myself which is going to be HELPFUL to me and my Spirit.
I was DRIVEN to make whatever IT was happen.
What do you mean we are supposed to LIKE ourselves? I never considered this until about 2017 or 2018 and when I started to look IN and I was astounded. Even after years and years of Spiritual practice and guidance…
I am beginning to think this is the most common unknown factor.
Once I discovered all the different aspects of what it means to be living a fulfilling life and this INCLUDED that we “like” ourselves my worlds came apart because I, in fact, absolutely did not like most of what was going on in the depths of my being and I was forcing myself to do so. This array of actions buried my sense of self even though I was (and still am) in a loving relationship, I was also (at the time) consistently making artwork hanging my heart up on the wall for all to see. Nothing could pull me out of the space I was in until I learned I could absolutely figure out how to like myself without any other input of judgments, programming, masks, veils, personal beliefs and so on.
Best decision I ever made which led to the most complicated time of my life-
the uncovering,
the witnessing
and the rebuttal.
All of this will come out in future letters, it’s just too much for right now.
Dear Soul, I know you already know all of these things which is, as it turns out, a very interesting component. Even though I KNOW I needed to go through all of this to become who I am and continue on that path - YOU already knew there’s no space for healing if you don’t like yourself. Further, If you don’t like yourself there’s no way to connect with the Inner Being (or higher self) in this case YOU Soul. I could give myself grief over this and get down about how I knew because you know but in reality this is exactly what provides us with the resonance which is completely necessary for proper discernment. This is the exact path I needed up walking because something inside me said “this is right” and I FELT that even in my darkest most confusing moments, looking back now I can see I still had that homing signal and it was not light- it was YOUR resonance.
Dear Soul I now believe you saved my life.
Emboldened by this light I have written today to thank you for the difficulty and I know you will continue to point at my path forward.
Looking forward to continued correspondence.
All my love,
Faern
P.S. I thought you might like this passage from a book I am reading. What I am finding by reading this book are a lot of personal connections to not only what it is saying but how it has been interpreted and presented. Not only is it inspiring- it holds a resonance which helps you walk between worlds. When you are in a transformative space, this is exactly what you want. The book is The Radiance Sutras : 112 Gateways To The Yoga Of Wonder & Delight by Lorin Roche. Number 48. I am sharing his interpretation.
In the great joy of seeing
A loved one after a long absence,
A flash of recognition ignites you.
Space becomes charged,
The bond between you shimmers,
And a surge of delight arises in your being.
Beloved,
Find within you the source of this surge.
Melt into that place of upwelling,
A wave rolling in a vast ocean of delight.
This is the letter number 1.
This is such a beautiful reflection and it came to me at just the time I needed to read it
"Dipping our toes in the river of the divine" - absolutely beautiful!